why I could never run for president

In my line of work as a literary agent, I attend writers conferences throughout the year. At many of these conferences, they have these things called panels in which experts in the business sit up front facing the audience and answer questions.

Now I’ve participated in a number of these panels, and they always remind me of presidential debates. I’m not sure exactly why. We never really get into any tiffs up there on stage. There’s occasionally a disagreement or two among professionals but for the most part we respect opinions and try not to make each other sound dumb. So maybe it’s the lights? Or the microphones? Or the use of a moderator? Or the fact that there can be 100+ faces staring back at us, expecting us to say something brilliant and inspiring and insightful?

So anyway, this past September I was on an agent panel at ACFW. Now this is the big gathering for Christian fiction with about 600+ in attendance, including new and published authors, big-time editors, publishing house marketing people and more. So I guess you could say of all the agent panels that I participate in over the course of the year, this is the big one. The one that’s most like a presidential debate.

Well this particular year, someone must have slipped something into my drink. Or perhaps a fellow agent paid off another agent to subliminally fill my mind with ridiculous and useless analogies. Because in the middle of the panel, in the middle of answering a question, I somehow found a way to fit the word “cannibal” into my response.

Moderator: What productivity level do you expect from your clients? Is there a number of books per year that you’re looking for from a client?

(Laughter away from the microphone as Agent Steve Laube says he looks for 12 books per year from each author).

Me (in all seriousness): Every client is different. Now if you take a hiatus... If you decide “I’m going to go visit the...uh...cannibal people” or whatever. We don’t like that.

(Tons of laughter. The sound recording fails to capture the many baffled looks I get from my colleagues).

Me: I was reaching! I was really reaching.

(Laughter).

It’s pretty safe to say that never in the history of ACFW panels had the word “cannibal” been used without associating it with martyrdom. But I used it! And not only did I use it, but I acknowledged that I used it! And everyone laughed. And I’m pretty sure someone tweeted about it later.

So this is why I could never run for president. Because all of my good ideas will be buried by all of the crazy that comes out of my mouth.

And instead of being the candidate with the great plan for world peace or civil liberty or flat tax, I’d be The Cannibal Candidate (or better yet, Amanable the Cannibal) whose deep dark secrets include eating lots of meat (never free range), researching the Donner party in high school and being momentarily obsessed with PBS’s Northwest Passage specials in 2006/07 (in which cannibalism was an outcome).

Do I have your vote?

Enemies of the State of Happy Living

I think it’s very good to have a list of enemies. Very handy when you are having trouble knowing who to believe or when you’re bored at night and want to read something that will get you riled up or when you just want someone to know, by passive aggressively saying: “I’m watching you!”, that you’re not happy with them.

I got this idea from President Obama, who apparently has his own list of enemies, and because he's the president, I think it's only fitting that we all follow suit.

Amanda Luedeke Enemies List

1. Mosquitoes - they make us afraid to go out at night.
2. The sun when it's really bright and glaring at you in the eyeballs - it burns our corneas
3. Paper cuts - they ruined postal mail
4. People who don't know how to merge (a-hem, EVERY DRIVER IN INDIANA) - they make things more dangerous than they have to be
5. Asian carp - they're invading Lake Michigan
6. Giant fish (in general) - they make me scared to live
7. Humidity - misery is its only asset
8. Excel - it insists on having codes instead of buttons
9. BP - it doesn't think animal murder is a bad thing
10. Email inboxes that will never empty - they take away from enjoying time online
11. European cars - they cost more than they're worth
12. Buzz cuts - they don't do anything for anyone's looks (except Justin Timberlake)
13. Shakespeare - he cast a spell on high school teachers and now we all must suffer
14. Mushrooms - they grow on poop
15. Calories - they make everyone feel guilty and then tell McDonald's to stop selling Happy Meal Toys (what's up with that?!)

That’s all I’ve got for now. Can’t keep going without beginning to question the meaning of life …

How about you, dear reader? What makes your list?

YouCut, You Save

It's striking that in a county so strong with patriotism and activism and prosperity, we are unable to restrain ourselves from federal spending. It's striking that in a country won by the blood of thousands, we repay that with a ridiculous national deficit.

It's striking that the very country for which men and women have fought and died is being defeated from within.

In honor of Memorial Day. In honor of those who gave their lives and those who served faithfully. In honor of this country that is hailed as the greatest country in the world, I'd like to share about YouCut.

This isn't about taking sides or pointing fingers. It's not about left versus right or picking apart programs that actually help people. It's about recognizing careless spending and getting control of a national debt that threatens the United States of America.

YouCut gives you, the citizen, the chance to vote on the program that you believe should be cut from the national budget. Your decision could result in millions or billions of dollars saved.

Then, at the end of each week, Congressman Eric Cantor presents the winning program to the House. They vote on whether to open the topic for debate. Their resulting vote is then emailed to you at the end of the week with a prompt to vote on the next string of programs.

Aside from voting in elections, this is the closest we can get to having a voice on Capitol Hill and saving our country from its embarrassing debt.

http://republicanwhip.house.gov/YouCut/

An Opinion on Opinions and Idea on Ideas

Let's take a moment to consider the people who ask for your opinion but don't really want to hear it.

How is it that these sorts of people exist? It's quite baffling. They do, after all, ask for your opinion out of their own free will. And one would assume, then, that they understand the issue of tomato, tomahto. Potato, potahto. And yet your opinion comes as a total surprise.

Why I had no idea you thought I looked fat at all, let alone in this dress!

How could you possibly think my novel needs work? I've been toiling away for three months!

And, of course . . .

But the rest of the world has nationalized health care!

The truth with these people, I have found, is they aren't asking for your opinion at all. They're asking for your assurance.

That dress looks P-H-A-T!

I couldn't put your book down. Really. It was that good.

And . . .

Of course I want hospitals to run like DMVs! I LOVE re-newing my license and was hoping to have a similar experience when my leg is falling off!!

They ask for your assurance, because deep down, they don't believe there is any sort of problem. If there WAS a problem, they wouldn't ask. They wouldn't need to. They'd know. And they'd fix it. And try the dress thats a size bigger. Or take a second stab at editing the novel. Or step back and re-evaluate government's role in health care.

But it's a vicious circle. Because once they've done this and gotten to the point where they feel victorious, they'll ask for your opinion. Expecting rave reviews.

And pout when you disagree.

But maybe one day, instead of asking for opinions, people will ask for ideas.

How would this dress look even better on me?

What can be done to make this book more marketable?

And, the winner . . .

Share your ideas on how we can improve the current health care bill.

There is power in ideas. And death in opinions.

Remember, Remember, the 4th of November

This is my friend, Josh:

What a stud!

Now, being a die-hard Libertarian, Josh doesn't take too well to socialism. He also has a tendency to be offended by all things socialist, fascist or communist. It's just how he is. So, naturally, he was a bit nervous at this time last year. What, with all the "spread the wealth" allegations and what not.

So, for his birthday, I told him I was going to give him John McCain for president. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but it was a step in the right direction and so he was pleased.

I was unable to follow through with this promise.

Sorry, Josh. Don't be mad!

So, this year, I'm going to scale things back a bit (because I really hate it when people promise stuff and don't follow through), and instead, list out for you reasons why Josh is one of my top 10 most favorite persons in the world:

1) He's a fellow home schooler.
2) He doesn't take himself too seriously. (Ahh, my knee!! )
3) He is easily angered. (We often tell him that Thomas Jefferson would have made a good president, or that JFK was a godsend or that Guy Fawkes was awesome!! or that we're glad the government tells people where they can and can't smoke--just to make him mad.)
4) He is of Norwegian ancestry. (Norwegian and Jewish, to be precise. I particularly like the Norwegian part, since I am also of that people).
5) He includes me in conversation. (There can be a huge group of guys talking about guns and video games, yet Josh, if he is close enough, will talk with me about books or his love life or taking over a small country)
6) He has dreams of taking over a small country. (This is a dream we've shared for awhile now...letting our Viking roots get the best of us...it's just a matter of choosing the right country....oh, and getting over the fact that Josh prefers freedom and is therefore morally opposed to conquering and ruling a people group even if in the name of liberty)
7) He is a superb actor. (I had the privilege of acting opposite him in Neil Simon's Barefoot in the Park. Because of what we would later find to be typecasting, we were the old people.)
8) He could be a fighter pilot if he wanted. (Or, at least this is what I imagine of him).
9) He is smart, but not too smart for his own good. (Nuff said)
10) He may one day rule the world. (His most favorite thing in the world is politics (that, and reading while eating potato chips). It's just a matter of time before he gets so riled up over what he's seeing in Washington that he'll run for some seat, somewhere)

Glad to see you like the gift, Josh.

Happy Birthday! Hopefully, this post will make up for the fact that I was not able to come through on last year's present and consequently we're about to have evil, government health care!!


P.s. - What do you think about North Korea? I hear Kim Jung Il will soon be relinquishing his throne to his son...sounds like the perfect time for a coup.

Fuhrer Assistance

Thanks again for your email, Julia. Please, let me know if I can be of fuhrer assistance.

Amanda, Customer Service


Gasp! That's bad. That's very very bad. Have I made this mistake before? I use the word "further" in nearly every email...what if I've offered Fuhrer assistance to multiple people? In multiple countries? And what if they cash in?

Fuhrer assistance? What is that? The help of a dictator? The promise of oppression in the name of non-oppression? The squelching of dreams of freedom? The sudden offer to participate in a diabolical plan for world conquest that may or may not, according to some individuals in Iran, include genocide?

Better be sure to proofread from here on out. Don't want to make any promises I don't intend to keep . . .

Ch-ch-ch Change

Can you grow it? Yes, you can!

Introducing Chia Obama! Which face will you choose? Happy or Determined?

Celebrate and witness the change right in the comfort of your own home!

*sold at your local Walgreens


When the Chia Obama commercial came on the television during Man vs. Food, the words out of Tad's mouth were:

Amanda? You're not going to believe this.

And my response:

I've never wanted a chia pet more in my life.

Which face will you choose? My vote is for Determined.

Tough Questions with Fidel Castro

So . . . Fidel Castro is up and kickin'. Seeing him alive brings back a deep desire I've had for a number of years.

I want nothing more than to meet with the former Cuban Prime Minister and ask him the 'tough' questions. You know, questions like:

- If you could do it all over again, would you? What would you change?
- Do you believe Cuba is better off because of you? How so?
- What about the vast number of emigrants? What of the claims that you are a dictator?

Then, I'd lean in real close, drop my voice a few notches and wrinkle my brow:

- And what about Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, Fidel? He was one of your best friends . . . your most trusted allies. He helped you achieve victory. And yet he died in Bolivia at the hand of the enemy when many sources report he could have been saved. You, Fidel, could have saved him. How often have you thought of your old friend? Do you have any regrets over the choices you made?

I truly believe I'd get away with it because I'm nothing more than a silly girl with an odd interest in the Cuban Revolution and no real media ties or ulterior motives. Just a girl who wants answers. All I have to do is put together some snazzy letter with some sort of persuasive bent on why it would be a good political/PR move and presto. Lo tengo.

And face it, now that he's a weathered old man with less of a gusto toward muerte, I stand a good chance.

Now, if I can only dig up my old address book . . . where did I put that thing . . .

Also, this is a rather odd endorsement. Doesn't really give the warm and cozies about health care, now does it.

Excuse me, Mr. President?

Dear American journalists/media people who were lucky enough to attend Mr. President's Q&A session tonight:

Have you ever considered asking straightforward questions? If logic serves me right, straightforward questions demand straightforward answers. None of this three tiered, multi-comma-ed hogwash. Enough of these addendums to the addendum of the addendum.

Also, what ever happened to going with the flow of conversation? If something sounds fishy, why not ask about that instead of what you've rehearsed? What's the point of a live Q&A if the questions aren't here and now? May as well move the Q&A to a chat room or something. Or an email blast.

In conclusion, when the President admits that everyone will be contributing $$ for healthcare because it's what we need, and then goes on to say the next 10 years will have us seeing a two-point-something trillion dollar decrease in our national defecit, then that's where you step in and call him on it and say something like:

Mr. President, it seems to me, then that you're not considering national healthcare out of need as much as you're considering it as a means by which the government will acquire more dollars to put toward the defecit. Am I right?

Really wish someone would have broken script and shot this one at him.