Conversations with Myself While Shopping

Me: Oh, here's a good store to check out...act natural, act natural, act natural...
Myself: Why are you saying that?
Me: I don't want them to think that the only reason I came in was to check out the clearance section.
Myself: But that was the only reason--
Me: Yeah, but they don't need to know that. I mean there's totally a stigma associated with clearance shoppers.
Myself: But you're a clearance shopper.
Me: Yeah but I don't want to be. Big difference.
Myself: ...
Me: There, we made it to the back!
Myself: Hooray.
Me: This is cute! Oh man, only $14.
Myself: Great. Try it on.
Me: Hmm...I don't know.
Myself: What now?
Me: I mean it's cute, and it's a great deal, but...
Myself: Oh boy.
Me: I'm just not sure it's my style.
Myself: What?
Me: I mean it's just not hardcore enough.
Myself: I'm sorry, I didn't know you and P!nk were friends.
Me: Oh, shut it.
Myself: No seriously, I didn't know you had a hardcore style.
Me: I do. At least in my head. And the way you think about yourself really does impact who you are.
Myself: And you want to be hardcore?
Me: I'm just trying to go after the whole intimidation factor, okay?
Myself: And this shirt doesn't do that for you?
Me: No, it's way too Barbie. I mean I'd have to get a tan and bleach my hair for this shirt to work. Even though it's cute.
Myself: Okay, so put it back, and let's move on.
Me: But it's only $14...
Myself: Just stop.
Me: Oh no, sales associate alert!
Myself: SAVE ME!
Me: I can't believe she called me "kiddo."
Myself: Well, you are in the clearance section.
Me: Not fair. I already told you that I don't want to be here.
Myself: And you have your hair in a messy bun.
Me: Messy buns aren't mature?
Myself: Well, they definitely aren't hardcore if that's what you're going after.
Me: Shoot. You're right. Okay, new store.
Myself: Thank God.
Me: Hmmm...
Myself: What? Why are we hesitating?
Me: It's just that it's Forever 21...I'm afraid to go in.
Myself: But you always shop there.
Me: No, I shopped there. Big difference. I haven't been shopping for like a year or two. What if I've outgrown it? What if I go in and all of the items are ugly to me and then I find myself wandering into Christopher Banks?
Myself: That's not going to happen.
Me: You can't be sure. I mean every woman makes the CJ Banks switch at some point in her life. Why can't mine happen right before I'm thirty?
Myself: Stop. Just stop. Go in there and see if you can find something you like. Anything.
Me: Okay, but if I'm miserable, I'm blaming it on you...OH I LOVE THIS STORE!!
Myself: Remind me again why it was wrong of the sales associate to call you "kiddo?"

twas the day after black friday

and all through the house
not a thing was in order, not even a mouse.
The first round of shopping had come at midnight
when Tad and Amanda at Wal-Mart did fight
against a full army of turkey-fed peeps
for movies and games and Tupperware cheap.
They elbowed and pressed and said things they'd take back,
but nothing would stop their Black Friday attack.
Victorious, they were, their arms full of loot,
they headed back home for a brief reboot.
Four episodes later of Big bang theory,
they set out again, but this time there were three.
Their good friend LD had joined the good fight,
lining up at Best Buy at 2 o'clock at night.
With Amanda at Wal-Mart and Tad at Tar-jay,
they had their space covered ... nothing would get away!
For two hours straight, Amanda stared at her prize:
a Sony camcorder, quite small in its size.
The people around her kept growing in number.
Amanda was scared she'd soon be outnumbered.
Until one lady who had been there since twelve
said "Let's make a pact. A dirty resolve.
Let's form a blockade around this display
to ensure that all seven of us win on this day.
When 5 am hits and it's time for the brawl,
we'll cut others off, leaving us for it all!"
The alliance was made and just sure enough
the time came to go and the group got real rough.
They held off the mob as the ringleader gave
each of the seven, their rightly-due swag.
When each of the seven had filled their request,
they left but one camcorder for the mob to contest.
And Amanda joined Tad who also had won
a remote control helicopter ... despite having to run.
And LD made out like a bandit as well.
A brand new tv for a price that was swell.
And so they returned to their beds for the night,
though morning had come. It was 6, almost bright!
But I heard them exclaim, as they they drove out of sight —
Happy savings to all, and to all a good night.

Celebrating Winter and Slipper Boots

These are my blips. They are one of my most favored possessions. Imagine my joy when the thermometer hit the 40's this past week and our apartment heater still had not been turned on.

Pure joy.

The Psalm of Winter
The cold is my friend. I shall not want.
It makes me lie under layers of blankets. It leads me to the kitchen for coffee and hot coco. It restores my damaged hair.
Yea, though I struggle through the hottest parts of the year, I shall fear no sunburn. For the cold will soon be with me.
Its layered sweaters and slipper boots (blips), they comfort me. It covers my neck with scarves, my lungs overflow.
Surely cute outfits and un-sweaty palms will follow me all the days of winter.
And I will dwell in the flurries of its snowfall forever.

(These are my other pair of blips . . . Tad is making it a tradition to get me a new pair every winter. These are my Christmas 07 blips. The other aforeshown pair is from Christmas 08)

Desperate Housewife - Part 3 (of infinite) - Toilet Paper FAIL

The toilet paper I recently purchased is neither soft nor plentiful. What is this? I thought toilet paper was to be one or the other (with only a privileged few able to afford rolls with both attributes).

Gah! Even the Wal-mart stuff I used to buy in my waitressing days was better than this stuff. And to think, we now have to suffer through 24 rolls because I was trying to be all economical and frugal and middle-aged housewife.

Silly, silly me.

Chicken Pizza

Here's what we had for dinner:

Homemade chicken pizza

Chicken, green pepper, onion, mozzarella cheese--what more could you ask for? For sauce, we used some spaghetti sauce we had lying around. For crust, we used Jiffy's boxed crust. It's like 84 cents.

According to Tad, he's the Cheese Master and I'm the Crust Master. He's really good at shredding cheese and I'm really good at making the dough a perfect circle.


The best thing about homemade pizza is you can pile on as much of your toppings as you want. The worst thing is the dough is really really sticky which makes kneading it not as fun as it should be. Lots of flour is required--and it will most likely get on your shirt.

One of these days I'll make my own crust from scratch. But you just can't beat 84 cents.

Desperate Housewife - Part 2 (of infinite)

Confession 2:

I am up to my ears in laundry--I am literally wading through it as we speak. My laundry collection is so vast I could clothe a small country of women sizes 14 to 4. And . . . I will continue to put it off.

When 8pm rolls around and I've finally gotten to that point of the day where I can do whatever the heck I choose, the last thing on my list is "Begin working on the five hundred loads of laundry you have strewn across your bedroom floor". . .

. . . mostly because:

- I do not like journeying to the basement of the apartment complex in the night (it's a really long walk)
- I do not like carrying/dragging a million pounds of laundry with me
- I do not like having to return to said dungeon multiple times in one night
- I do not like folding laundry
- The laundry will just end up right back where it started because I do not have a dresser (admittedly, though, it'll be clean)

It took an act of Tad to sort through it all and get me to the point where I started thinking about actually doing laundry. But now I realize I have no fewer than 7 loads ahead of me.

That's what? . . . a million and one pieces of clothing that I possess in sizes 4 to 14? My eco footprint is sounding more like an eco grand canyon.

And yet I have nothing to wear.

To which Tad would reply: You have a million things to wear.

To which I would reply: Yeah, but nothing sounds good.

Or, depending on how much time elapses before I begin laundry season: Yeah, but nothings clean.




I am ashamed of this.

Desperate Housewife - Part 1 (of infinite)

Confession 1:

I clip coupons--I am a coupon clipper. I keep my stash in my coin purse and use it to guide my shopping. And . . . I am aggressive.

If the coupon says buy one, get one and I happen to have two of the same, I'll end up with four items when I only needed one.

If the coupon says "expries 09/20/09" and the date is 09/21/09, I'll slip it to the cashier anyway just in case they aren't paying attention.

If the coupon says "offer only valid at 4am on a Saturday morning when the wind is blowing westerly at 15mph and two red cars are parked side by side in the center lane of the parking lot", then you'd better believe I'll be the first in line as soon as that second car turns off his engine.

And, if I happen to have a coupon that will save me $1 on the purchase of two items, but I failed to put it in my coin purse and have thence found myself at the grocery store (wal-mart) without it . . . well, then I'll simply pass up those items.

Because a good coupon should never go to waste.


I am ashamed of this.

Ch-ch-ch Change

Can you grow it? Yes, you can!

Introducing Chia Obama! Which face will you choose? Happy or Determined?

Celebrate and witness the change right in the comfort of your own home!

*sold at your local Walgreens


When the Chia Obama commercial came on the television during Man vs. Food, the words out of Tad's mouth were:

Amanda? You're not going to believe this.

And my response:

I've never wanted a chia pet more in my life.

Which face will you choose? My vote is for Determined.

What Gentlemen Prefer

How did I not know about Barbie's Blonde Ambition Collection?

I vaguely recall telling Tad I wanted the Marilyn Monroe awhile back, but I had no idea it was part of a collection that celebrated being blonde! How could I have missed that?

The Goldie Hawn, I could do without, but the Heidi Klum? No blonde in her right mind can turn that doll down.

A Country-Wide Sigh of Relief

I proudly declare that I never jumped on this bandwagon.

The 30 (and sometimes 90) Day Window

Is it bad when you're in your closet, searching for something completely unrelated, and then you open a box, wondering what's inside and it turns out to be a pair of shoes you do and don't remember buying? Shoes that appear to have never been worn? Shoes of which your faintest recollection is one maybe two years old?

Is that bad? Cuz it feels kind of bad. It makes me realize I had a problem. Glad those days are over.

Glad I got better about returning things.