Experimenting with Size 8

Tomorrow I find out if it's possible for a person to go on living without breathing for, say, six hours. In anticipation for this big event I have:

1) Worked out less
2) Eaten more
3) Blogged less
4) Worked more
5) Worried way more

I expect to go into a state of shock approximately one hour into the study. By hour two, I will begin to feel dizzy, accompanied by possible waves of nausea, neurosis and psychosis. By hour two and a half, I will lose all feeling in my feet and hands. This will slowly spread to my legs and arms and by hour four, I will, unbeknownst to those around me, move in and out of consciousness. At a quarter past hour four I will enter a preliminary stage of nirvana, and by hour five I will be frolicking in fields of wildflowers and dancing with sea lions. Only to come back to reality once hour six hits and my dress is unzipped.

Yes. Tomorrow is Ashlee's wedding, and my dress is way way way too tight.

Sunday Musings: Movies with Language

1. It is always helpful to have a pack of blank notecards in your purse when attending a bachelorette party.

2. It is always dangerous when, as a new pastor in a small town, you sneak out to the big city to see a movie with the word "Bast***s" in the title, because chances are the Senior Pastor has snuck out to the big city as well--except in his case, it's for some serious shopping and stir fry. In this particular dangerous situation, he'll be seated on a bench outside of the theater, people-watching for some good Sunday morning sermon stories, while his wife and her close friend (who is wearing a Bob the Tomato t-shirt) finish some shopping for Children's Ministries. He'll see you, and happily strike up conversation, asking what movie you intend to see, and you'll have to tell him, stating the name of the movie not once, but twice because he thought he didn't hear you correctly. He'll hide his devastation, because he wants to appear relevant, but there's no getting around the fact that God's #1 Guy caught you paying $8.50 to see a movie that has the word "bast***s" in the title. And then Tad will repeat "Be sure your sins will find you out" the rest of the evening.

3. It is always optimistic to think that you can learn a language listening to cd's from the library at work and during work outs. But if the people on TV and in the movies can do it, why not give it a try? (wish me luck!)

Super Duper Smile

Here's my fake smile:

Here it is again:

And again (this time we were pretending to pose for our TV show's Season 1 box set cover, which would explain why Tad looks like 'the serious one', LD looks like 'the laid back one', Bekah and Brad look like 'the happy couple' and I look like 'the positive one'):


You're welcome.

Wedding the Maiden from the Fields

Once upon a time in the land of Sir Wayne's Fort, there lived a lonely boy named Andrew. Every Thursday evening at approximately 9:30pm, this boy was visited by the matchmaking gypsy, Amonda. It was during one of these visits that this foreseer took pity upon the boy and said, "It is not good for Andrew to be alone. He shall have a girlfriend."

Amonda told the boy of a fair maiden with golden hair who lived in the fields. Her name was Ashlee with Two "e's".

At first the boy seemed to question Amonda's vision, but after a zillion fortnights of poking and prodding, and a number of sessions in which the constellation, Cassiopeia, was sought for counsel, the boy stormed to the fields to rescue fair Ashlee with Two "e's" from her life in the middle of nowhere.

Three full moons later (or however long eight months is), the maiden agreed to be his.

The pair will be wed in January. Festivities to follow.

Congratulations, Ashlee and Andrew!
And now, a few funny photos . . .

Stiff fingers:

And I can only assume she's trying to be a dolphin in this photo . . . or dead weight:

But we like this one as long as the smooching is minimal (no, we are not jealous):

And we definitely like this one:

So, there you have it. My reason to lose weight . . . a bridesmaid dress!!

*Photos courtesy of Ashlee's facebook page . . . because there are a zillion there.

Staying Above the Yellow Line

Here is an unflattering photo of me in a shirt I haven't worn in public since circa 2007. This is because I became too skinny for the shirt. Now, as the picture clearly shows, the shirt has shrunk.

Or, I have grown.

In a conversation with my sister, we joked that I was the perfect candidate for a commercial:

"After getting married, I just lost motivation. I gained weight and got to the point where no matter what I did, I wasn't capable of summoning the strength to work it off."

The REAL joke, however, was that I've only been married 3.5 months. 3.5 months and I'm already a walking, talking infomercial. Apparently, I fall off the wagon hard and fast.

But there's good news! I once again have a reason to loose weight. But it's top secret.

(More info coming later . . .)

For Better or Worse

(Crazy eyes)

When you hire a photographer and demand access to every picture, you end up with quite a few funnies. It's not their fault. It's yours. You wanted them, so you got them. (Photographers who don't give you access to every photo usually pull the bad ones so that you don't even know they exist).

As I sift through my mass of weddings photos (taken by Cole and Lindsay May) and pick out the ones I want to be re-touched, I cannot deny you the pleasure of viewing some of our most outrageous outtakes. Get ready, you're in for a ride.

Uniform pose:

A bit too Armani:

A bit too creepy:

Just plain unflattering:

Where's mom?

Mom? Are you there?

Straightest arm in the world:

You're welcome.

Ohio-Speak

Location: I-75 in OHIO
Time: Night - coming home from Beth's wedding

We pass a large highway sign that reads:
BELLEFONTAINE
XXX miles

"How would you pronounce that?" Tad asks.

"I don't know. Bel-fon-TAYNE?" I suggested in my best faux-French accent.

"Nope. In Ohio, they say Bell Fountain."

. . . . "Oh, my . . . "

"Yup," Tad said. "Bell Fountain."

At that point, even Indiana seemed too far away.

Potluck Initiation

And so it starts . . .

The never-ending adult activity of providing a dish for the potluck. It's a practice that eventually consumes us all, and suddenly we find ourselves making mounds of potato salad for the family reunion, "that-really-good-chocolate-pecan-dessert" for the nephew's graduation party, and fruit stuffing for the family Thanksgiving. Sure, it's all done to help out the people throwing the bash, but seriously . . . it never ends.

I've avoided my initiation for quite some time. Living a couple hundred miles from home, I've been able to pass as the guest at many events. But now, that I'm a wife . . . things are a bit more tricky, and, I'll admit it: I'm beginning to see why people end up offering their award-winning chili and secret-family-recipe spice cake over and over and over again.

Because initially, it seems fun.

I have a kitchen full of gadgets, two pie pans that haven't seen the light of day, and a hankering to show everyone that yes, I CAN make delicious foods and no, it WASN'T a big deal.

We go out to purchase ingredients for a certain Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie this afternoon.

More to come later tonight . . .

Color Critics

One of the best part about weddings is seeing all of the bride's 'likes' come to life--and then gossiping about it afterword.

• I KNEW she'd have a traditional wedding, Canon in D and all!
• I surely didn't expect bridesmaids to wear halters . . . I was thinking more of a full-length strapless.
• Can you believe she didn't have a veil?!
• I always thought her dress would be more frilly.
• Sweet Home Alabama at the reception? That was totally not her.
  

Such musings can also take place before the wedding, as friends and guests predict or comment upon what they expect to experience and what they already know to be true.
Such a conversation between friends who are headed out to a wedding is going on now. Let's listen in . . .

Amanda: Her colors are pink and purple. I'm just not seeing it.
Ashlee: Well Andrew's wearing yellow, so I expect that to be there too.
Amanda: Pink and purple and yellow?
Ashlee: That's what Andrew said.
Amanda: I suppose that will make it all come together. I was wondering about just the pink and purple because they were so rich.
Ashlee: Where'd you see them?
Amanda: On the invitations. It was like a magenta-like pink and a deep, royal purple.
Ashlee: Well the yellow is light.
Amanda: I just don't see those colors working well together.
Ashlee: I don't know...
Amanda: I mean, pink and purple? I could see having pink or purple. But both? And they seem to be really rich . . . really rich like this pink color here on my dress. *points to dress*
Ashlee: Ooohhh.
Amanda: And this purple here on my dress. *points to dress*
Ashlee: Ooohhh.
Amanda: Just don't see those colors working. Oh, wait, there's light yellow on my dress too!
Ashlee: OOOHHH.
Amanda: Well, THAT'S embarassing.

Word to the wedding-gossip-wise: Never wear the exact color combination that you're about to critique.

Found: Biore Pore Unclogging Scrub

After a long, excruciating work-out when city water is beating down upon your salt-crusted skin and your pores scream for cleansing, do not....I repeat....do not reach for Biore's Pore Unclogging Scrub. It smells like vomit.
One of my girlfriends left this unsuspecting stink bug in my shower after my bachelorette party. So, I tried it (wouldn't you?). The smell made me tear up.

Today, I tried it again, thinking that perhaps I had been imagining the wretched stench. This time I actually cried.

Would the owner of this tube of torture please step forward and reclaim your possession? Please? Before I think that I was imagining things again and land myself in some sort of institution with padded walls and a profile that reads "Inconsolable hysteria"?

Though I'm beginning to think it was left behind on purpose.