Friday, September 6, 2013

Conversations with Myself While Shopping

Me: Oh, here's a good store to check out...act natural, act natural, act natural...
Myself: Why are you saying that?
Me: I don't want them to think that the only reason I came in was to check out the clearance section.
Myself: But that was the only reason--
Me: Yeah, but they don't need to know that. I mean there's totally a stigma associated with clearance shoppers.
Myself: But you're a clearance shopper.
Me: Yeah but I don't want to be. Big difference.
Myself: ...
Me: There, we made it to the back!
Myself: Hooray.
Me: This is cute! Oh man, only $14.
Myself: Great. Try it on.
Me: Hmm...I don't know.
Myself: What now?
Me: I mean it's cute, and it's a great deal, but...
Myself: Oh boy.
Me: I'm just not sure it's my style.
Myself: What?
Me: I mean it's just not hardcore enough.
Myself: I'm sorry, I didn't know you and P!nk were friends.
Me: Oh, shut it.
Myself: No seriously, I didn't know you had a hardcore style.
Me: I do. At least in my head. And the way you think about yourself really does impact who you are.
Myself: And you want to be hardcore?
Me: I'm just trying to go after the whole intimidation factor, okay?
Myself: And this shirt doesn't do that for you?
Me: No, it's way too Barbie. I mean I'd have to get a tan and bleach my hair for this shirt to work. Even though it's cute.
Myself: Okay, so put it back, and let's move on.
Me: But it's only $14...
Myself: Just stop.
Me: Oh no, sales associate alert!
Myself: SAVE ME!
Me: I can't believe she called me "kiddo."
Myself: Well, you are in the clearance section.
Me: Not fair. I already told you that I don't want to be here.
Myself: And you have your hair in a messy bun.
Me: Messy buns aren't mature?
Myself: Well, they definitely aren't hardcore if that's what you're going after.
Me: Shoot. You're right. Okay, new store.
Myself: Thank God.
Me: Hmmm...
Myself: What? Why are we hesitating?
Me: It's just that it's Forever 21...I'm afraid to go in.
Myself: But you always shop there.
Me: No, I shopped there. Big difference. I haven't been shopping for like a year or two. What if I've outgrown it? What if I go in and all of the items are ugly to me and then I find myself wandering into Christopher Banks?
Myself: That's not going to happen.
Me: You can't be sure. I mean every woman makes the CJ Banks switch at some point in her life. Why can't mine happen right before I'm thirty?
Myself: Stop. Just stop. Go in there and see if you can find something you like. Anything.
Me: Okay, but if I'm miserable, I'm blaming it on you...OH I LOVE THIS STORE!!
Myself: Remind me again why it was wrong of the sales associate to call you "kiddo?"


  1. I commiserate! I have a constant narrative running in my head while I shop too, which sometimes means my mouth is moving a bit. And if there's music playing, there's usually some accidental dancing too. I can't help myself. In short, people stay away from me. Except for salespeople who keep asking if I need help.

    (Btw, I love Fabulous stuff.)

  2. Hi Amanda,
    Love your book - The Extroverted Writer and your blog!!
    So nice meeting you at the ACFW conference! (I'm the lady who is represented by Erin. We met after your wonderful, Marketing Plans Made Easy, class).

    I've been away from my blog for quite some time but per your advice (and several others) I'm getting things up and running again! Hopefully within the next week - doing some revamping using the advice found in your Chapter 5!

    It was lovely meeting you!
    Melanie (writing as Ann)

  3. While trying to hide from my to-do list, I somehow found myself on your blog. So of course wanting something to do besides what I am suppose to be doing I started reading. And I got to 'Conversations with Myself While Shopping'..........Loved! :) I'm not a laugh out loud kind of girl, but you had me giggling so much I thought I'd wake my napping child. Naturally, I have come to this conclusion: our minds just need to go shopping together. :)