Tuesday, January 26, 2010

An Opinion on Opinions and Idea on Ideas

Let's take a moment to consider the people who ask for your opinion but don't really want to hear it.

How is it that these sorts of people exist? It's quite baffling. They do, after all, ask for your opinion out of their own free will. And one would assume, then, that they understand the issue of tomato, tomahto. Potato, potahto. And yet your opinion comes as a total surprise.

Why I had no idea you thought I looked fat at all, let alone in this dress!

How could you possibly think my novel needs work? I've been toiling away for three months!

And, of course . . .

But the rest of the world has nationalized health care!

The truth with these people, I have found, is they aren't asking for your opinion at all. They're asking for your assurance.

That dress looks P-H-A-T!

I couldn't put your book down. Really. It was that good.

And . . .

Of course I want hospitals to run like DMVs! I LOVE re-newing my license and was hoping to have a similar experience when my leg is falling off!!

They ask for your assurance, because deep down, they don't believe there is any sort of problem. If there WAS a problem, they wouldn't ask. They wouldn't need to. They'd know. And they'd fix it. And try the dress thats a size bigger. Or take a second stab at editing the novel. Or step back and re-evaluate government's role in health care.

But it's a vicious circle. Because once they've done this and gotten to the point where they feel victorious, they'll ask for your opinion. Expecting rave reviews.

And pout when you disagree.

But maybe one day, instead of asking for opinions, people will ask for ideas.

How would this dress look even better on me?

What can be done to make this book more marketable?

And, the winner . . .

Share your ideas on how we can improve the current health care bill.

There is power in ideas. And death in opinions.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Putting 26 in Perspective

As if I'm not having a hard enough time dealing with my entrance into the middle ages, Facebook seems to have taken it upon themselves to remind me.

Every click. Every ad. 26. I guess these days only 26 year-olds are eligible for car insurance. And Victoria's Secret shopping sprees. And Mac products. And enrollment at the University of Phoenix.

I suppose I should be thankful. Glad that I just so happen to be at the perfect age. But I'm not glad. I'm not thankful. Because I'm getting old.

To put my age in perspective, I though I'd compile a list of individuals with whom I would have gone to high school had we been in the same school zone (and social status):

Sasha Cohen -
Born: October 26, 1984
Difference: Younger than I by 10 months
Translation: She's already proven people my age do retire (and then pretend it never happened) . . . THAT'S how old I am.

Lady Gaga -
Born: March 28, 1986
Difference: Younger than I by 2 years, 3 months.
Translation: We would never have even been present at the same prom . . . THAT'S how old I am.

Prince William of Wales -
Born: June 21, 1982
Difference: Older than I by 1 year, 6 months
Translation: If I were British and certain royalty dead, I could be Queen . . . THAT'S how old I am.

Britney Spears -
Born: December 2, 1981
Difference: Older than I by 2 years
Translation: She's been divorced twice and has two kids . . . THAT'S how old I am.

Jay Cutler -
Born: April 29, 1983
Difference: Older than I by 8 months
Translation: If I had my act together I could be quarterback of a so-so pro football team. (This just may be the saddest of all)

Beyonce. Justin Timberlake. Jodie Sweetin. The list goes on. And on. And the only good part about it is the small satisfaction one gets out of knowing that we all could have chilled in study hall or suffered through PE together (except for Sasha, of course).

I won't even get into the list of peeps who are too young to have gone to High School with me . . .

Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner (he's like 9 years younger than I, by the way) . . .

Friday, January 15, 2010

Experimenting with Size 8

Tomorrow I find out if it's possible for a person to go on living without breathing for, say, six hours. In anticipation for this big event I have:

1) Worked out less
2) Eaten more
3) Blogged less
4) Worked more
5) Worried way more

I expect to go into a state of shock approximately one hour into the study. By hour two, I will begin to feel dizzy, accompanied by possible waves of nausea, neurosis and psychosis. By hour two and a half, I will lose all feeling in my feet and hands. This will slowly spread to my legs and arms and by hour four, I will, unbeknownst to those around me, move in and out of consciousness. At a quarter past hour four I will enter a preliminary stage of nirvana, and by hour five I will be frolicking in fields of wildflowers and dancing with sea lions. Only to come back to reality once hour six hits and my dress is unzipped.

Yes. Tomorrow is Ashlee's wedding, and my dress is way way way too tight.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Usefull Talents

So I just found out that Tad can kick high. Really high. Chuck-Norris-above-your-head high. And he doesn’t take Pilates. And he’s never been in sports. And I swear he can’t touch his toes or even sit Indian-style, for that matter.

Just a few stretches and BAM! His foot comes up above his head. Again. And again. And a fourth time, if he desires.

It’s the strangest thing. And while some may call this a useless talent, I see it as huge life-potential.

My husband is destined to be an NFL kicker.

I’m going to start having him practice. Then, as soon as he’s mind-blowingly good, we’ll find a team who could not only use a better kicker, but whose current kicker has about a year left on his contract. Then, we’ll make our way into one of their pre-season practices and Tad will kick for them. And they’ll see such potential, they’ll add him as a walk-on and groom him to take over the position after the year is up and their current kicker’s contract has run out.

And then I’ll sit in the section where all the wives sit and look extra concerned when the camera is on me and Tad will have action figures and replica jerseys because he’ll be the ever-loved underdog and he’ll be in video games (certainly one of his dreams) and I’ll cause scandal by wearing Bears jerseys (even though Tad will play for the Vikings or the Bengals) and crashing White House events (take THAT Secret Service) and showing up to restaurants without my wedding ring (this is very possible considering the number of times I have lost it to date).

The sky is the limit.

So now I’m compelled to compile my list of useless talents…but in the meantime, what are yours? And how could they be turned into useFULL talents?

Friday, January 1, 2010

Exploding Hands for the New Year

"Look what I got at work!"

A bowl full of mini cheeseball, crackers, and a champagne bottle party popper.

"And I'm giving it to you," he said, handing me the bowl.

Needless to say, the cheeseball was gone within seconds. But the popper...

"YOU do it," I said, handing it to him.

"What? Why?"

"I've never done it before."

"Well, that's why YOU should do it."

"But . . . but I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"I'm scared I'll explode my hand."

"You can't explode your hand, Amanda. It's impossible."


But I changed the topic anyway.


"Ten, Nine, Eight . . ."

We were at a New Year's party with friends, watching the countdown on the television while the host and hostess frantically passed out party favors in anticipation for 2010.

Their main favor of choice: champagne bottle poppers. They tossed me one.

"Seven, Six, Five . . ."

I gripped the string, ready to pull.

"Four, Three, Two, One, Happy New Year!!!!"

Poppers popped all around me. And, impressively, hands were kept in tact. So, boldly I pulled the string.

Fire. Lots of fire.

A burning sensation shot across my palm as a heap of colored string landed in my lap.

"Ow," I said quietly, and sent Tad an evil glare that went unnoticed.

I had succeeded in exploding my hand.

My flaw? I had ignorantly held the popper with the neck of the bottle pointed out and the base gripped tightly in my hand.

I now know that it is in fact the base of the bottle that blows off and NOT the top. Apparently, this is common knowledge. (Although I insist it makes absolutely no sense, considering that it is the cork of a champagne bottle that is most likely to go haywire).


I told Tad what happened later when we were home. He shook his head at me. He may have laughed.

I continue to defy his reality.