If I Were to Design a Miniatures Game

Miniatures gaming is a freaking awesome business. I mean where else can you charge $40 for a bunch of tiny pieces of plastic that the customers will not only assemble themselves, but then spend hours and hours painting? It's genius.

The cutie below costs $25 and probably stands at 2 inches. He comes as a sheet of plastic in which you pop out the pieces, assemble, and then paint and paint and paint (with the help of a magnifying glass, no less).

So after watching Tad throw his money at such a hobby, I decided I needed to create my own miniatures game and dupe unsuspecting gamers into buying my lazy plastic.

Now, as a former marketer, I've noticed a few things about the gaming world...

1) Nearly every game title contains one of the following words: Dungeon, Quest, Battle, War

2) The act of assembling and painting is supposedly as fun as actually playing the game itself (some gamers will simply assemble and paint without any desire to play!)

3. Gamers are easily excitable with anything Dragon

So, I introduce to you my miniatures game:

DRAGON DUNGEON BATTLE QUEST WARS

In this miniatures game, not only do you get to assemble your dragons, but you can choose your unique look! That's right! Each of the four dragon components (head, body, wings, tail) come sold separately. This means not only will you be spending that much more money, but you'll get to have a completely unique dragon!

Select numerous power card combinations to give your dragon one-of-a-kind feat combos and abilities (cards sold separately in packs).

AND add plenty of magic to the mix by buying, assembling, and painting your very own Dragon Master! (Dragon Masters boost the dragon's abilities for as long as the masters are in play!)

RESERVE YOUR DRAGON PIECES OF PLASTIC TODAY and you'll be battling other dragon in search of dunegon treasure in approximately 40 labor hours!

Dragon Head (20 models to choose from): $25

Dragon Body (20 models to choose from): $25

Dragon Wings (20 models to choose from): $25

Dragon Tail (20 models to choose from): $25

Dragon Master (10 different masters to choose from!): $30

Total before paints, paint supplies, and terrain doo-dads: $130 (and you MUST have all these components before you even THINK about playing).

Tad and I joked about my game idea for awhile.

Then, he showed me this from Kickstarter...

All I know is that they could have chosen a way better name.

hot shots

Tad and I are watching season 1 of this reality show called Top Shot. It's where some of the nation's best marksmen compete to be the best shot in the west.

Well this one particular episode was about trick shooting. They had to shoot a bottle behind them by placing the gun on their shoulder and using a mirror. They also had to throw a cabbage in the air (not too high, mind you) and shoot it before it hit the ground.

After watching this, I had one thought, "Big freaking deal."

To prove my point, I had Tad pull out his Nerf guns and we rigged up a few household items to see whether we had what it takes. And let me tell you, we are awesome. So awesome, that we should go on tour and Pop Tarts should sponsor us.

Here's the recap:

Amanda started out with the cabbage toss (which soon became the pop tarts box toss). Please ignore the mess in the background, because that's just not important. What you SHOULD notice, is the pop tart box, floating in the air, waiting to be shot dead.

And will Amanda shoot it? Well, the picture tells us that she didn't make it THIS time, but by the fifth try, Amanda was consistently hitting the Pop Tart box.

Notice the dart in mid-air! And what concentration Amanda brings to the sport!! AND THAT STANCE! Mo Vaughn would be so jealous.

To achieve the behind-the-back shot, Tad rigged up a stand of boxes (probably boxes from the hallway that you saw in the previous picture). Then, the unfortunate Pop Tarts box was placed on top. Using a L'oreal compact, Tad was able to successfully spot the box and blow it off its stand. Amanda achieved this as well.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Tad and Amanda Show Big Shots that Their Shots Aren't As Big as They May Think. Join us next time when they walk on burning coals!

the benefits of married life

Come to find out, I do the dishes whilst standing on one foot.

I realized this when a precariously-placed glass glass fell from the drying rack, bounced off the countertop and shattered on the floor at my feet. Or, I should say foot. Because while one of my feet was planted firmly on the ground (in fear of little glass bits trickling underneath it), the other was up in the air.

I was stranded. On one foot. One bare foot, I might add.

But then, my husband’s superhero theme music began playing.

He whooshed in, dustpan and broom in hand, rested my raised foot on a chair, and began collecting and sweeping the glass shards that threatened my life.

As soon as the floor was safe, he swooshed out and resumed his disguise as an avid video game player with selective hearing.

All this to say, if you are thinking of placing a very breakable glass glass precariously on the drying rack, don’t. Simply walk away while walking is still an option.

But, if you DO place a very breakable glass glass precariously on the drying rack, only do so when your husband is present and only if he has superhero theme music. Otherwise you may have to navigate the glass shard minefield alone.

And you will fail, my friend. You will fail.

Case Update: Modern Warfare 2

Last night on Unsolved Mysteries, we reported events surrounding Tad's strange departure and plans to acquire a video game. Since, more events have unfolded, adding to the mysterious happenings surrounding this seemingly hypnotic game.

1) Tad has been able to operate on two hours worth of sleep.
2) He has already developed pet phrases for the game's features, referring to the blood spatter that appears on the screen when the player is wounded as "Ketchup Face"--a term he devised in an attempt to trump his wife's inevitable mockery of the feature (she refers to the old wounded screen as "bloody eyeballs")

Yet in all this, a few of the mysteries surrounding the case have been answered. Why did he dress in camo? Why did he stand in line for so long? Why was it imperative for him to be there at precisely the time the game was released?

I'll be darned if I know, but it all resulted in him 'winning' GameStop's Modern Warfare 2 countdown clock due to the fact that he was the ONLY person dressed in costume.

Unsolved Mysteries: Modern Warfare 2

At 20:45:00, Tad, decked out in full camo, left to sit outside of GameStop in anticipation of the release of Modern Warfare 2 at midnight.

Friends and family are left with these questions:

1) Why is it that Tad, who must routinely be reminded to shower, did so without coercion for tonight's big event?
2) When did said event become enough reason for him to take off an entire day of work?
3) How is it that he will be able to tolerate standing in line for three hours to get this game when standing in line at Wal-Mart for ten minutes is out of the question?
4) Where exactly has the money come from to pay for his XBox Live subscription, considering neither his wife nor friends passed him funds.

And lastly,
5) How long before his wife is annoyed at some aspect of the game and demands that he play it quietly or minimally when present?

If you, or anyone you know has information that could lead to toward answers to these questions, comment in the box on the screen. Or, if you do not see the box on your screen, click on "comments".

Until next time on Unsolved Mysteries.

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Extra, Extra! Husband Uses Craigslist to Turn New Leaf

This just in: Avid collector, Tad Luedeke, is quote turning over a new leaf, end quote, and selling many of his old toys.

Luedeke says, and I quote, You know where my stuff is now? It's sitting in boxes in the corner. And it's going to keep sitting there. End quote.

He went on to say, quote, I just realized I have too much stuff and no use for it anymore. End quote.

The list of items to go up for sale soon on Craigslist include

HeroScape Collection
Magic the Gathering cards (an estimated 5 decks)
Nerf Magstrike
Nerf Recon
Nerf Titan Launcher with Hornet and Scout
Pirates of the Spanish Main game collection
Mage Knight collection


When asked why he's doing this, Luedeke said, quote, I'm a new man. I'm married. Oh, and this really cool game called Arcane Legions is coming out soon and I want to be sure to have enough money so that I can buy a bunch right away. So put it on your blog in case anyone wants to buy some stuff. End quote.

He later revealed that in two years' time even his Arcane Legions items would probably be for sale.

Reporting from Dreamland, this is Dandi Mandi, wondering whoare you and what have you done with my husband?

Back to you, reality.

But You Didn't Tell Me That You Have to Put a Roof Over Your Sim's House and Now a Bunch of Snow is in My Man Room!

After talking each other out of throwing together some items to sell at the Kern Valley neighborhood garage sale (Tad didn't want to spend his Friday looking through his toys, and I didn't want to spend my evening looking through clothes . . . only to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and sit in a lawn chair . . . ), Tad and I decided we're going to be garage salers tomorrow.

On my list? A small computer desk and books.

On Tad's list? Probably things he'll just end up re-selling at NEXT year's sale. I'm not even joking. He has quite the knack for brief hobbies.

Which, I'm totally enjoying right now, because suddenly he's been on a Sims 2 kick, which means that instead of talking about team stats and ousting terrorists, he's talking about expanding onto his house and how he turned down a job offer so that his "dude" could fulfill his lifetime aspiration of being a top chef!

This excites me very much.

August 6
Words: 609
Total: 2,687

Homeless Hang Out

Because Tad doesn't have a job, he's had to find some way to occupy his time and curb his inner desire to play video games all day long. His solution? Nearly everyday, Tad rides his bike to the downtown library.

The Allen County Public Library is pretty pimp. There's a Dunkin' Donuts on the main floor, we have the largest (or second largest) genealogical section in the US, and there's a substantial number of DVD's, Blue Ray movies and CDs that can be checked out for three days. So, it's not the shabbiest place on the block.

But still.

The other day, when he parked his bike at the bike rack and took a look around, he realized he was one of those people. The people who ride their bikes to the library because they don't have jobs, don't cars or have anything better to do all day. Some would call them homeless. Others would call them deadbeats. Tad, is neither, yet he could easily be mistaken as one.

My response to this was less than sympathetic.

"Well at least you don't have to go there to use the internet. Remember the entire summer I spent there looking for a job? Sat in that stinky room next to greasy-haired creepers who are managing to hold 15 IM conversations at once while playing Yahoo pool and chatting with their latest MySpace booty call. Yeah, that made me feel good about myself."

So, maybe I could work on being more supportive and understanding.

In the meantime, here's a photo of the internet cafe I frequented while in Antalya, Turkey. It was always full of guys playing Halo (or whatever their equivalent was) and, if I wasn't careful, my emails would show up with unidentafiable characters, such as ş or ç.

And if I really wasn't careful, the police would come and raid our apartment (which they did twice).

Enjoy:

Word Games

Amanda's Dictionary

Word Barnacle: a player in scrabble who alters existing words just enough to collect a substantial reward. The most well-known Barnacle is Joshua B. Hornbarger.

Building Dweller: a player in Call of Duty or Halo or any shooting game who sits in buildings and shoots the poor souls below. I hate these players.

Shooting Game: a video game in which players shoot each other.

Origins Game Convention: a yearly event that draws gamers from their basements and prompts them to walk around in leather corsetts while purchasing overpriced games. This is Tad's favorite summer event.

***

Tonight, Tad and I tried out a few of his games. One was called "Word on the Street" and was a favorite of mine because it eliminates the possibility of having Word Barnacles. Players must choose a word that allows them to pull as many letters as possible to their side of the board....funny sounding, yes, but really fun.

During the second round, Tad starting doing poorly. He couldn't spell words like "lettuce" and was having a hard time coming up with word ideas.

Finally, I said something.

"Do you just want to quit?"

"No, you're about to win. Let's just finish."

"I don't want you to have to play if you're frustrated."

"I just can't think right!"

"I know, what's going on?"

"This one word has been stuck in my head for the past three rounds and it's all I can think of."

"What is it."

He paused, and then almost shyly as if offering me a most precious gem, said, "Marmalade."

Honeymoon's Over: Day 42

Three weeks earlier . . .

Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I have to do laundry.
Husband: Oh! Well, how about I go with you.
Wife: Really?
Husband: Yeah. I want to.

Saturday evening . . .

Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I really have to do laundry (scoff scoff, scowl scowl).
Husband: Oh.

Husband turns away and fires up Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3.

Paper Dolls

Tad's new hobby: paper craft.

On a completely unrelated note, my new Social Security card arrived in the mail today, and I think I had a slight freak out moment. Mostly because it didn't look right. Also because part of me was like "that's not right."

I still think of myself as Amanda Heinsch. All. The. Time. Even when I remember that I'm not. There's this voice that's like: "but you totally are."

It's funny. Arguing with myself about my identity.