Lamong Lament

I've been away too long and I'm sorry. But it wasn't my fault.

I was lost on Lamong Road.

The rules of city driving are simple:
1) If the street you want to turn on is a One Way going the WRONG way, simply wait for the next street. It's sure to be a One Way going YOUR way. Then, it's just a matter of knowing how to drive around the block.
2) If ever in doubt of your location, simply look to the many large and helpful landmarks as guideposts. In Denver, they use the mountains. In Chicago, the John Hancock. And so on.
3) If you miss your turn or exit FEAR NOT! Correcting your mistake can be accomplished by simply turning around or taking the next exit a mere fraction of a mile away.
4) Road signs will be well-posted.
5) Fellow travelers are familiar with TURN SIGNALS, and will happily let you into the lane if given fair warning.
6) Merging does not mean COME TO A COMPLETE STOP.
7) If streets are numeric and counting down as you travel, this means you are approaching the city.

These rules of thumb are useless when driving in the country, and, as depicted Friday evening, I find myself lost as a dog every time.

This time, it was on a patch of Lamong Road that was miles away from the patch of Lamong Road that we were supposed to be on. Please view my masterfully crafted map:
40 minutes of aimless wandering up and down this piece of forsaken land wedged between 296th and 261th (yes, 261th) streets resulted in Tad and I being 40 minutes late to a wedding rehearsal. It also resulted in the worst direction-giving I've ever witnessed. Our plea for help was handed off to the bride, handed off to the father of the bride, and handed off to the mother of the bride who said "Keep going East! You'll cross 31 and then see a big white church!"

East? Pretty sure Lamong runs North and South.

Cross 31? I really don't know what to say about that bit of advice.

Thankfully, we were able to use #7 of my rules of city driving to deduce that her directions were ridiculous. And to make a super long story just a little shorter, the groom, who wasn't from the area, guided us back using his atlas.

Sigh. I hate the country.

Sidenote: two other cars full of people were also lost on Lamong Road due to poor Facebook directions. Unfortunately, their case resulted in them either being horribly late or missing the ceremony altogether.

Sidenote Sidenote: We almost got lost again on the way to the reception.

Sidenote Sidenote Sidenote: It's pointless to say "the white church" when every single barn, house, and church building is white.