Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Brain Bruise

Have no fear. I almost died, but now I am alive.

Whoever decided that the part of a migraine where you see nothing but swirlies, zigzags and/or become partially blind should be called an "AURA" was a complete moron. Aura? How does that even remotely describe the coming onslaught of pain and fear?

"Oh, no! Not this! Not an . . . aura!"

Yeah...doesn't quite cut it.

And then there's this little doo-hickey called Paresthesia. Para-what? Oh, that's just the part where half of your face falls off and suddenly have a deep kinship with Sylvester Stallone. Then you get all these pricklies in your appendages (but only on one side!) and you think to yourself:

"Am I dying? Is this it? Right here in the middle of the women's section at Target is where I'm going to have a stroke at the age of 25 and die?"

But no fear! Soon both the aura and paresthesia will be replaced by the most mind-numbing (literally) pain you can imagine as you find yourself rocking back and forth on your mattress, considering whether it would benefit your cause more to

1) drill a hole above your temple to alleviate pressure, or
2) bash your head repeatedly against the wall to re-focus the pain on something that seems more manageable.

I was a wuss this time around, and opted for the lesser-known, number 3:

3) cry like a baby, repeating the word "Jesus" until He hears you and decided you've suffered long enough.

7 hours later, I'm mostly pain-free.

36 hours later, I'm still recovering from what I refer to as "brain bruise".


  1. (reminds me of Harry Potter and the little scar pains and when my brain starts attacking me when i freak out and start analyzieing :P believe i me i feel the pain too :P

  2. You know, I thought I had had a migraine before, but I must not have...glad you're getting better!

  3. I completely understand.

    One day, in the throes of a migraine, I collected myself enough to drive (although somewhat blindly) to the walk-in clinic, where upon locating the front desk by following the intensified "sick people" smell, I promptly demanded a syringe of morphine.

    Or failing that, a head transplant.

  4. Thanks, sheepsclothing!

    And that is hilarious, irritable. So perfect.

  5. reading this has made me even more grateful that i've never suffered migraines

    i always thought they were just a bad headache and people with migraines were babies

    guess not